Sohma Amazing Race
by Sachimi
Summary: Random and Crazy, The Sohma family embarks on an Amazing Race, meeting strange people and doing strange challenges! Its Crazy! No... Its INSANE! JOIN THE MADDNESS AND READ!


**Sohma Amazing Race**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fruits Baskets...nor do iown a basket of fruits... i do have some fruit juice though!

Take a bunch of Random Animal transforming people layered with angst and through them into a competely wild parody/comedy and what do you get? A Fanfiction by an insane girl who doesn't feel like studying. JOIN THE MADDNESS AND READ! (and please REVIEW!)

**Ch.1 Christmas Surprises**

* * *

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature stirring... not even... a mouse...

"YUKIIIIII-KUUUUUUN!" a shirll voice screamed through the Sohma house at 11:35 pm Chirstmas Eve.

Tohru Honda kneeled over a small grey mouse with one of those enormous anime 'x's on its head to make sure that absoultely EVERYBODY knows they're hurt. Jeez, talk about craving attention. Oh Yeah... back to the story now.  
The girl scooped the unconsciece little rodent in her hands "Yuki-kun, Yuki-kun, Yuki-kun! Wake up! Wake up!" She cried,  
shaking the poor little thing in her fist fiecly.

"Whats going on?" Kyou asked like he hadn't just heard TOrhu screaming 'Yuki, wake up!' He did his best to hide his Hello Kitty blanket behind him as he and Shigure walked into the room. Which whould have been way more effective if he wasn't wearing Helly Kitty pajamas.

"Uh-oh, looks like M-rated things are going on between Tohru and Yuki! Crazy kids. Don't mind me, i'll just go stand in the corner and watch!" Shigure said, waltzing to the corner of the room.

"I came into the room to find my book of inspriational quotes when i found Yuki-kun in mouse form!... UNCONSCIENCE"  
she cried, dropping the mouse to make handmotions to go along with her words.

"Doesn't look like he's breathing" Kyo said with an evil grin and some scary organ music playing in the background. Again,  
all this would have been oh so much effective if he wasn't dressed head to toe in Hello Kitty paraphernalia.

"Eh...? Eh! EH?" Torhu said because she always says that.

"I GOT IT!" Shigure yelled, pushing Tohru to the side before she could start another round of 'eh's.

Shigure opened the tiny mouses's tiny mouth.

"Sh-shigure? You're not going to-" Kyo began BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!

Shigure gave the mouse the KISS OF LIFE! It's little beady eyes snapped open as it tried to fight away from Shigure.

"Ooookay, Shigure-kun... thats enough..." Tohru said uncomfortably, because she was standing on a rock. And because Shigure was kissing the mouse for so long. "Shigure-kun, he's awake..."

"DAMMIT SHIGURE! This is NOT a Yaoi Fanfiction!" Kyo said, pulling Shigure away.

"Awww... It's not?" Shigure pouted.

"No... it wasn't meant to be, at least..." Author says.

"Oh well, I've always wanted to that!" Shigure said, clapping his hand. er... hands... hey, whats the sound of one hand clapping!

"Um... that wasn't me..." A voice said from the doorway. They all turned to see a very much human Yuki. Luckily he had only heard what was going on and didn't actually see it, else the sight might have warped his fragil mind. "That was some other mouse..."

"eww..." Kyo said, leaving the room.

An awkard silence fell over the group, yes, even the mouse! The silence... so awkard... so... SILENT!

"DID SOMEONE SAY YAOI!" Ayame yelled, bursting into the room, scaring Torhu so much she turned into a RICEBALL! Jk Jk.

"AYA! Everytime I hear that word, your the first thing that comes to mind, my love!" Shigure said, instantly changing into his 'Ayame's arrival' Mode.

"The truest of all loves is the love we share, my dear Gure-san." Ayame said.

And then Shigure and Ayame did this weird sorta...'gliding' thing toward eachother. Yuki smartly pulled the rug out from beneath them and they crashed on the floor.

"Ah ha ha ha ha, Yuki!" Ayame laughed, mistaking Yuki's action for some form of brotherly affection.

"What are you doing here, Nii-san?" Yuki demanded with a dark aura surrounding him.

"Why i'm simply here for the party! Although i do believe I'm a bit early..." He said, glancing at the invitation that had manifested itself in his hand.

-3:00 P.M. Christmas Day-

"First of all... It's 11:58 Christmas EVE" Yuki said, snatching the invitation from his brother, "Secondly, when were you planning to tell us you were throwing a party, Shigure?" Yuki asked.

"I'm throwing a party!" Shigure asked excitedly and started dancing around like a fool.

"Why didn't i get an invite!" Kyo asked in a hurt tone, coming back down dressed in normal clothes.

"No no no, I'M throwing a party!" Ayame said, giving Tohru as list of things to do to prepare like it was no big deal he was only informing her about it now. "In this house... Christmas Day... WOO!" he looked at his wrist for a good thrity seconds relizing he wasn't wearing a watch, then he looked to the grandfather clock Shigure stole from a flee market the night before. "Which is in about three... two.. one-"

RIIIIIPPP "MERRY CHRISTMAS! Merry Merry Merry Christmas!" Kuzuma said, who had just ripped through Shigure's paper door,  
causing Shigure to start crying. He was dressed as Santa Clause. Kuzuma was... not Shigure.

You'd think that, due to the past destruction rate of Shigure's paper doors, he might start replacing them with re-enforeced solid wood ones. At least cardboard. I dunno.

"SHISHOU!" Kyo, who just come back down stairs just normally, said, embarassed to the point of calling out 'Shishou' to Shishou.

"No no no Kyo, i'm SANTA!" Kuzuma said, just remembering to put his beard on right now.

"Gasp elf-san!" Torhu said,bouncing on he toes with excitement as Kunimitsu walked in dressed as an elf. Seriously though, if Torhu gets an more extied she'll problebly explode. Take caution my friends, take caution.

Yuki and Kyo looked horrified.

"I brough presents for all the good boys and girls!" Kazuma said, snapping his fingers. Nothing happened/ "...snap." he said and pulled out a plastic garbage bag from behind him.

"Hers new zodiac beads for Kyo!" he said, tossing kyo a braclet that hit him square in the face because he was paying more attention to the still spazzing Tohru.

Once Kyo recovered, he picked up the new beads and looked at them. They looked EXACTLY the same as his old beads EXCEPT on every white bead the word 'Kyo' was carved in and the black ones had the word 'Rox' written on them. AND if you read them white to black it said 'Kyo Rox'. But sadly, Kyo read them black to white so they said 'Rox Kyo!'

"Rocks Kyo? i don't get it?" He said slipping the beads on his other wrist so now he had TWO braclets! Which is problebly for the best since Kuzuma most likely bought the new beads at a thrift shop and craved the words in on his own which would result in them being TOTATALLY worthless from protecting kyo from his true form.

"Your still my illiterate son... Kyo." Kuzuma said, laughing as he handed out the other presents. (which inclueded a magnifing glass for Yuki, a sponge for Tohru, a swan made from tinfoil for Shigure and a pack of mentos for Ayame)

"GASP Your Santa-san's son, kyo-kun!" Torhu asked, dropping her sponge in shock. what a wonderful discovery! _TOday i learned that Kyo is Santa-san's son! i wonder what else i'll learn in the time to come..._ Tohru thought and then the Fruits Basket music started playing like it was the end of an episode.

"No thats not it..." Kyo inturrpted the music and Torhu's wonderful thought. "Its-" Suddenly their was a knock on the door.

"Yuki, go get that..." Shigure said

"Okay" Yuki said, not making any move to do so.

Before shigure could start crying about how cold yuki is, the door came crashing down. (Even though who ever crashed it down could have easily walked through the big hole Kuzuma made when he crashed through the other door.) SHigure started to hyperventilate since he loves his doors more then he loves... Yuki.

Kuerno, dressed in a Santa suit had kicked the door down with his jolly black boots. "HO HO HO!" he said cherrily and moonwalked into the room.

"Hello my minions" Akitos voice said.

Strapped on Kureno's back was one of those baby carrying devices that wives force their husbands to wear to carry the baby. However this one was Akito sized and Kureno had no shame wearing it.

"Ah! Santa-san and... reindeer-sand?" Tohru said, looking at Akito, puzzled.

Akito was wearing one of those reindeer antler headband things mothers force their children and dogs to wear. Akito had no shame wearing it.

"Yes I'm Santa! Santa CLAUSE! They call me St.Nick, or Chris Cringle,or Father Time." Kureno said.

"They don't call Santa Father Time! I should know, i'm santa!" Kazuma said, his fake beard falling off.

"OMIGOD, SANTA!" Kureno cried excitedly, clapping his hands.

"Two Santas!" Torhu asked, confused.

"Omigod..." Shigure said, raising a gun at Kureno and Kazuma. "I don't know which one to shoot!"

"What! Why shoot anyone!" Yuki yelled.

"Ask a question only the real santa whould know!" Ayame yelled even though he was right next to Shigure.

"What is your opion of ice cream!" Shigure demanded.

"I like ice cream." Kazuma stated, unaware of the current danger he was in.

"I SCREAM for ice cream!" Kureno sang, equally unaware.

"Your all idiots!" Yuki yelled, wondering why oh why he was surrounded by these kind of people.

"Santa does like ice cream." Kyo pointed out, ignoring Yuki.

"EVERYBODY LIK ES ICE CREAM!" Ayame yelled.

"OMIGOD I Don't Know which one to shoot!" Shigure said again.

"Whatever you do don't shoot!" Yuki yelled.

"Just take the shot!" Ayame cried.

And due to Shigure's poor aiming skills, he only shot the clock he stole from the flee market. Which was not even in the same room as they were in. He's THAT BAD of an aimer.

"Two santa's!" Torhu cried as if nothing happened.

"Honda-san, neither one of those two are Santa... thats Shinan and Kureno..." Yuki said with a sigh.

"IT IS!" Torhu, Shigure and Ayame all cried together.

"We're here for the party, but i see no party going on! Is it a lie? Do you try and fool me!" Akito screamed, pulling a vase from his secrete compartment and waving it around threatingly.

"No the others aren't here yet because it starts at 3:00." Kunimitsu said because he hasn't said anything yet.

"I guess we'll just have to... WAIT!" Kureno said and started laughing hystarically, thinking what he said was a joke. But it wasn't. Sorry Kureno, maby next time.

Now lets take a break from these fools and go visit some of our other Sohma friends. Whenever i change scenes like this i'll go Jingle Jangle Jingle Kay? KAY? KAY! kay... good.

* * *

Jingle Jangle Jingle

"HARI! Its Christmas, Its Christmas, Its Christmas!" Momiji yelled in a megaphone that was aimed at Hatori's ear.

"Yes, i know Momiji." He said, trying to control his annoyance. Momiji had woken him up that way, and had been following him all morning. He could tell today was not going to be a pleasent on by just listening to his answering machine this moring.

Flashback

Hatori shuffled over to the table where the answering machine sat, awaiting Hatori's arrival. He reached out a shaky hand do to serious coffee withdrawl and pushed the play button.

Message One, Shigure: HAA-SAN! I thought i kissed Yuki but it was another mouse! Can you belive that? Is that bad luck or- -message deleted- Hatori deleted the message.

Message Two, Tohru: Merry Christmas Hatori-san! I'm calling everyone i know and telling them how much they mean to me! I owe you so m-  
-message deleted-

Message Three, Haru: ...Forgot why i called... see ya.

Message Four, Shigure: Ahahaha! You will not believe what-  
-message deleted-

Message Five, Torhu: I had to call back, the machine cut me off and i didn't get to finish. Thank you for-  
-message deleted-

Message Six, Kyo: Hatori, get your butt over here and make Ayame stop-  
-message deleted-

Message Seven, Ayame: Tori-san! D-  
-message deleted-

Message Eight, Haru: I remembered why i called before but its not important... later.

Message Nine, Momiji: Hari! I'm right behind you!

End of messages.

_I'm right behind you? What does that-_

"Hi Hari!" Momiji yelled into his megaphone, standing right behind Hatori, making him jump.

End of Flashback

Yes, things weren't looking up for everyone's favorite Seahorse/Dragon. In fact, they were looking quite the opposite. Which is down i believe. Yes. The opposite for up is down. Glad i paid attention in kindergarden.

_Ding Dong_

Huh...? Oh... yes.Answer the door Hatori...

Hatori went to open the door. And when he did, I was standing there!

"HATORIIII!" i yelled as the door slamed in my face.Hatori took several deep breaths and looked out the peephole, opening the door carefully. Hiro and Kisa stood there wide-eyed.

"Why'd you slam the door on us?" Hiro yelled.

"I-I thought... Nevermind, are you ready to go?" he asked, looking over their heads to make sure the coast was clear.

"well, DUH!" Hiro snapped.

"...Right... Momiji! Get your coat, we're ready to go!" he called over his shoulder.

"Kay!" Momiji said into the megaphone. So the Dragon, The Tiger, The Sheep and The Rabbit all hopped on the magic rainbow and were off to fairy land.

I Kid I kid.

No, instead they all piled into Hatori's car and drove slowly down the icy road because Hatori, being the caring cousin he is,  
didn't want to get his charges in danger.

* * *

Sachimi (me)- Review Please! i hope you enjoyed the first Chapter of Sohma amazing Race!I know Kyo did!

Kyo- No i didn't i hated it!

Sachi- Oh, kyo-chan, your so funny!

Kyo- This sucks i'm leaving!

Sachi- You can't leave!

Kyo- Yeah? Just watch me!

Sachi- Hey! you can't! I'm the author!

Kyo- to bad! trips and gets caught in a net Hey let me out!

Sachi- I didn't do that.

Kyo- Then... who did?

Sora-chan (my friend Kelsey!) - I did

Kyo- NOOOOOO!


End file.
